Girl Advice with Hoof and Penguin

We have seen the world being scoured with hopeless and hopefuls who all seem to want advice about girls. That is why Hoof and I have decided to answer some of your questions. Being the handsome, intelligent, thoughtful, extravagant, sophisticated, cool, sexy, responsible, exotic, brave, charismatic, charming lady killers that we are we have excellent advise for you that no one else in the world could give. These tips will change your life, so listen up. These questions are all real, truthful questions that were asked by real people*. We were not able to answer all of them, so if you PMed us and we didn't answer, so sorry

*These questions were not at all made by Hoof Noob and mr penguin12. I repeat, these are real questions... we didn't make them up.

Confidential: I think a girl likes me but is just playing hard to get and is rejecting me mr penguin12: No, she is rejecting you because she hates you and that you’re a pathetic person who spends too much time on their computer. Hoof Noob: She is, she's playing hard to get, want to know why? SHE'S A MAN. That's right, "she" is a man and is scared that you will find out.

Anonymous: I like this girl but she thinks I’m too insensitive, what should I do? mr penguin12: Girls love a guy who can cry and not be ashamed, have one of your friends beat you up and then cry and throw a huge temper tantrum that lasts half an hour, continuously yell, "WHY?!?!?!" and sob until you feel like you’re completely embarrassed. The more embarrassed you are the better. Hoof Noob: You ever see the movie "The Godfather"? Well here's what you do, buy her a pony, and be really nice to it and stuff. When she thinks you've changed, chop its head off and put it in her bed. Then when she screams, take her out of the room and push the horse's body off of a 10 story building. That'll teach her to want you to be sensitive.

???: My girlfriend wants me to prove my love to her, how can I do it? mr penguin12: Say that you would catch yourself on fire, drink poison and jump off a cliff onto spikes to prove it, then do so. It will catch her by surprise. If you survive... well, that's up to you for what to do next. Hoof Noob: Eat 5 lbs of caviar. Then puke on her, say you wanted to share the goodness with her. That should do it.

?!???!: Today this girl started taking her clothes off in front of me, why would she do that? Hoof Noob: You were in the women’s locker room. mr penguin12: She actually was taking off her jacket because it was 105 degrees outside but you got too nervous and ran away... didn’t you?

John Doe: liek tohday tihs gurl sed hai too me. dose this meen she lieks me? Hoof Noob: No, it means she's polite enough to recognize you are on this planet. Congrats. mr penguin12: She was actually saying hi to the person behind you...

Mr. X: I met this girl, and I like her a lot, what should I do? Hoof Noob: Go up to her and be like "will j00 be mah girlfriend pl0x? I play this game called r00nscap3 and I’m level 92!I also have a bl00 partyhat!!11one!!!eleventyone!!!" That will definately make her want you. mr penguin12: Be cool with her, by that I mean pour a ton of ice over yourself and say, "I’m pretty cool now huh?". Then catch her on fire and say, "you're pretty hot!"

John Doe's Brother: I think this girl was winking at me today, what does it mean? mr penguin12: It means she had a speck of dust in her eye. Hoof Noob: It means the guy who was behind you is a very lucky man.

...: A girl walked up to me and said my hair wasn't straight... what does this mean? mr penguin12: It means she thinks you're gay. Hoof Noob: It means you have gay hair.

Anonymous: I think this girl was flirting with me today, how should I talk with her? mr penguin12: Girls love someone with a foreign accent, start speaking Swahili to her and then jump around hitting your head against random objects, her being one of them. Say that its part of your culture's tradition of saying hello. Hoof Noob: I agree, but while banging your head keep saying "BAD DOBBY! BAD DOBBY!" and say you’re a Harry Potter freak, chicks dig that.

MEESTER EX: I saw this girl naked today by accident, and ran off, but she called me after and it sounded like she thought I was cute, what do I do? Hoof Noob: You obviously say, "I think you’re cute too, but walking in a public park naked is against the law." mr penguin12: Yes, then after that call the cops on her, women love people who have connections with the authorities. After 2 to 5, call her and she will be so impressed you won't be able to get rid of her.

Larry: No girls like me, what should I do? Hoof Noob: Go to school and smack a teacher with a baseball bat, girls like rebels. mr penguin12: Grow a mustache, women love facial hair, and get a cape, chicks dig the capes.

Curly: This girl told me that I was ugly, but she likes guys with good personalities, does that mean she likes me? Hoof Noob: No, it means you look like an ogre. Sorry about your luck. mr penguin12: No, it means that you’re ugly and your personality sucks. Read some Shakespeare to her, chicks dig Shakespeare.

The Nameless: There’s a girl, you see, she's so beautiful that I can't stand it, but I don't think she likes me, what should I do? mr penguin12: The more beautiful, the more pickup-lines work on them. First Say that her dad must be a terrorist cause “she’s da bomb”. Then go around spreading secrets that the two of you are together, that makes them want you even more, trust me. Hoof Noob: Say she's ugly, then when she's ultra depressed, ask her out and say you'll help her feel better. Or you'll get slapped, let's hope for the first option.

Guy: My friend said that his friend said that his friend said that his friend said that the girl I like said she liked me, what does it mean? mr penguin12: Things get lost in translation, what she actually said was that she'd like you... to die. No hard feelings though. Hoof Noob: Well, it means all of those people are dirty, rotten liars. She said she hates your guts, I guess they wanted to help you feel better.

Anonymous person with a big nose that helps run a site called Runevillage: Well, I like this girl but she says my nose is too big, what should I do? mr penguin12: Inhale her, chicks dig getting inhaled by people's noses. Hoof Noob: Stick a pony up your nose, chicks dig unique people, and love ponies, double win.


We hope this helps. If you want to ask any questions either PM Me (mr penguin12) or Hoof Noob

Written By: mr penguin12 and Hoof Noob
Edited By: Hoof Noob
Coded By: Rabadzija